The Budster is a happy little boy. He’s enjoys life here and he has his share of fun. We love his smile and the way the hair in his ears sticks out when he perks up. He’s so adorable! Once in a while though, that smile leaves his face and he gets that thousand yard stare. I pet him but even that doesn’t interrupt his trance and I often wonder what he’s thinking. Is he missing Annie? Is he homesick? He’s having a moment and given all that he’s been through, he’s entitled.
It might be something on television or maybe a song on the radio or a particular aroma that sets it off. It could even be a rogue thought that barges in unannounced. The stare will give me away and the Missus might ask, “You alright?” I’ll tell her, “I’m just having a moment,” and she understands because she has them too. We were watching an episode of Longmire the other night and in the show, Walt went out to a special place and sprinkled his wife’s ashes. I had a moment. Ruger, Sadie, Annie. We have their ashes. Maybe it’s time.
I’m sure you’ve had a moment now and then, a private moment that you don’t share with anyone because you can’t. It’s too special. It’s a memory, good or bad, it’s a thought or regret or a pain so deep that you could never dig it out and maybe you don’t want to. Pain is personal and sometimes it’s all that remains of a certain time that has past. It stands for something and to erase or dismiss it would also erase or dismiss what it’s connected to. The pain becomes sacred.
I have an expression, “We all die with regrets, some more than others.” We also live with regrets but the point is that we will take them to our grave. It’s easy to tell someone, “Don’t blame yourself,” but those words are never convincing. When there is regret or guilt, Christians will say, “God forgave you and you need to forgive yourself,” to which I reply, “I am not God and that scripture doesn’t exist.” Forgiving ourselves is difficult and often impossible to do especially when have harmed someone else. And what if the moment is not about a wrong that we have committed? What if we regret something we didn’t do or what if it is about a love that has been lost. Those are often entwined with regret and feelings of guilt too. Never say, “You have to let the past go and live for today,” because those words don’t mean a thing unless you are a sociopath. They feel no guilt.
There are no magic words to make someone feel better. I take that back, there are words that will make everything better but only God can say them. “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Matthew 25:23 If I could but hear those words, those deep moments would dissolve into peace but I have not heard them yet and one day I hope I will. Until then, if you see the smile leave my face and I get that thousand yard stare, just give me a minute and I’ll be back. Don’t ask questions and don’t try to make me feel better. I promise I’ll do the same for you.
I’m going to go give Buddy a hug. He’s not having a moment but maybe if I do that often enough he’ll have fewer of them. I hear that works.